iTunes Top Whatever Review: 19.03.14

It’s that time of the week again, the segment where I subject myself to the musical nonsense that is the iTunes Top 10. Today I have a grand total of 4 tracks to dissect for your pleasure (but mostly mine), and they are all at a pretty low standard this week (the songs that is, not my impeccable review writing). Enjoy!

*today’s picture represents what I believe is the main requirement for top 10 success

#7 – #SELFIE by The Chainsmokers

Dear god, why?? This is terrible. Unbelievably bad, and undoubtedly the worst song I’ve had the misfortune to review in my short time as a blogger. And it’s at NUMBER 7. This makes me very angry. Some part of me wants to believe that this is some kind of ‘musical satire’ of today’s club goers, but it’s neither clever nor funny enough accomplish this. In actuality, I certainly don’t think this is supposed to be a joke. This is the product of ‘musicians’ (I actually prefer the term “doofdoofians”) so lazy they can’t even borrow, let alone write actual lyrics, or even a catchy doof! You had ONE job guys, one job. It’s a sad day when a song fails to be listenable as both club and mainstream (everything not club) music, but this… this is just that bad.

0.1/10 (jeez that’s a low rating…)

#9 – The Power of Love by Gabrielle Aplin

As the great Ron Burgundy once said, “I don’t believe you”. I’m sorry Gabrielle, I just don’t believe you truly mean anything you’re singing. If you read my review of We Are the In Crowd’s ‘Weird Kids’ you’ll know how important this is for me, especially for a song like this. I need to feel what the singer feels, understand why they were driven to put these words on a page and record them for everyone to hear. I’m not saying that Aplin didn’t have cause for writing this (if she even did write this), I’m just not convinced by her performance that she cares much for it. There are a couple of reasons why. Number 1, the lyrics are… not up to standard is the best way to put it. A love song needs truth, and sentences like “make love your goal” sound like something next year’s birthday card from Nana will say. It pulls me out of the song, and makes the lyrics feel robotic or impersonal. Secondly, the music is just too much. It overpowers her voice to the extent where sometimes it’s hard to hear what she’s saying. Not hard to understand, hard to hear. That’s an issue. This track needs to be stripped down, and Aplin’s voice should be the focus of every musical climax, not the swell of the cellos or other such accompaniments. It’s not a terrible effort, but for the most part it’s a below average love song with greater potential that what was achieved.


#10 – High by Peking Duk

I’m clearly missing something here. In the Youtube comments for this song’s music video, people are saying things like how “amazing” this song is, “I want this song inside me”, and “this song is way too good for the commercial/mainstream success it’s about to get”. It’s not a good song. It’s not fast enough (or catchy enough) to be a good club song, and it’s too boring and annoying to be on any reasonable person’s MP3 player (yes, I could have just said iPod, but I’m trying to be multi-brand inclusive…).The chorus is a beat with a bunch of off-pitch squeals, and the verses are almost as annoying. Yes, it’s a little bit more articulate than other similar tracks, but I still have no idea what’s going on. I certainly don’t believe lyrics should be straightforward with no interpretation possible, but there’s a limit. Also, I’m tired, so that might have contributed. I didn’t enjoy this song at all, and I can say with confidence that I do NOT want it inside me.


#11The Man by Aloe Blacc

(This was inside the Top 10 when I decided to write this earlier today)

Well good for you sir. It’s nice that Blacc has so much self-confidence to share with us all… even if it does come off as a bit of an ego trip. Sure, the man has accomplished great feats during his time on earth… like featuring in a chart topping Avicii song… but even such an incredible person can come across as another arrogant musician. I don’t know him personally, but I’m of the opinion that there are very few people, living or dead, who could write a song about how ‘they’re the man’ and still be as humble and awesome as before they put pen to paper. In terms of the actual music, it’s all kind of repetitive. The song is understandably focused on the lyrics, and as such the musical aspect is forgettable at best. Even the melodies get a little old after a while. Lyrically, it’s well written (ignoring the actual subject matter), and this is one of those cases where the fact that these lyrics could apply to almost every (non-atheistic) person is a good thing. Well, that is if you don’t mind people constantly telling you that they are, in fact, the man.






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